Is

Im here tonight, a Sunday, in an apartment that is so incredibly quiet, the only sounds are the fan in the room and the sound of my and the 2 kitties breathing. Tonight I can't help but wonder why I am where I am. What things have brought me to this point in my 35 year long life. Tonight, I am ok with where I am. I know that there is more that is ahead. I know that where I am today could be better. I also know that, in this moment, I can't change anything...and that's ok too. Tomorrow is a new day.
I watched a show tonight called "Secret Millionaire". I watched the show, as I do with most tv today, with no expectation, other than a diversion to reality in my life. Little did I realize how beautiful the show would be. In a nut-shell, a show about people in need having an effect on people who aren't in need, and the drama of playing a roll of "volunteer" while in fact hiding the secret that by the end of the show, lives will be changed with the surprise of money.
After the show, I thought about my own life. What it could have been like had something like what happened on this show, happened to my mother when I was a child. Where would I be today, had someone extended a hand to my family? To this, no answer. The only thing I do know, is that if I weren't ok with where I am today, and where my mother is in her life today, I'd most likely not be alive. I watched the show tonight, with "broken home" children, drawing what they feel, a pictorial description of their home life. Blue representing peace and joy, and red reresenting hurt, pain. I was instantley brought back to days in my childhood where, had I been asked to draw the same, I might have been put away. Somehow, I managed to survive. There are things I'd like to change, yes. A family that pretends to accept me and my sexuality, at the same time, asking that it be kept a secret from the "outside" family, church, etc...An older brother, who survived the life I lived as well, who doesn't speak to me today...But tonight, in this moment, I can't change any of that.
What I can do, is take care of myself. I can, even at 35, look for what it is that makes me truly happy. Not just happy, but to feel good. I really don't recall when I felt good. I've been moving from job to job, be it by choice, not by choice, life circumstances, or even poor decisions on my part. I can say, none of the jobs I've held in the last decade, have made me feel happy. Job's merely chosen out of the need to survive. Then same can be said for my relationships. I've had several meaningful relationships, lovers. I can say they have made me feel good, yes. But, I can't help but feel I never fully brought all of my potential to the table in these relationships. I have either been in need, taken advantage of the situations, never really contributing anything. I have hurt people. I have been a compulsive lier, though never really in my sexual relationships, but to the outside, the community, so called friends.
Im here tonight, a Sunday, in an apartment that is so incredibly quiet, the only sounds are the fan in the room and the sound of my and the 2 kitties breathing, and I am ready to change. I am ready for change. I do know, however, the pendulum in my life will not move, unless there is some outside force.