I've been away from my "blog" lol...I know you have all missed me so much :-) The last few weeks have been really...just really (no words). I have reconnected with my ex Paul. We went out for the 1st time in years on Friday night, and had a great time. It was one of those moments, "what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do? Lets go to Bourbon Street Bar and Grill...OK" Turns out, we had great fun. We never really had "closure" on our separation and split and we finally had that. It was a great night. We both know we make really great friends, and not so great lovers. Amen.
What I also realized, was how much of myself I have lost over the years...The fact is, I LOVE SUSHI, I LOVE ALL SEAFOOD, I'M OBSESSED WITH CARS, I WILL POINT AT DIFFERENT CARS AND TELL YOU THE SAME THING EVEYTIME I SEE THE SAME CARS, IM NOT THE GREATEST FAN OF RED MEAT, I HATE GOLF AND BASKETBALL, I LOVE DOING THINGS ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT, NO PLANS, JUST DO, and see where it leads...I love cats AND dogs...I love camping and hiking. I love the gym. I love having a nest egg, savings account. I LOVE NOT SMOKING. I love being social, not just staying home. I love, and miss my parents terribly. I MISS HAWAII MORE THAN ANYTHING ON EARTH. I love quality sunglasses and collectible ink pens. I love to dream about what my future holds. I miss looking past tomorrow. And so much more...
I feel like there is a major change taking place in my spirit, and I'm praying that I will find work that will enable me to "find" me again.
This may sound like an add for who I am, but its also an invitation...Be a better friend...Get to know me...Offer support...Lets have coffee...Lets have sushi...An open invitation...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Is
Im here tonight, a Sunday, in an apartment that is so incredibly quiet, the only sounds are the fan in the room and the sound of my and the 2 kitties breathing. Tonight I can't help but wonder why I am where I am. What things have brought me to this point in my 35 year long life. Tonight, I am ok with where I am. I know that there is more that is ahead. I know that where I am today could be better. I also know that, in this moment, I can't change anything...and that's ok too. Tomorrow is a new day.
I watched a show tonight called "Secret Millionaire". I watched the show, as I do with most tv today, with no expectation, other than a diversion to reality in my life. Little did I realize how beautiful the show would be. In a nut-shell, a show about people in need having an effect on people who aren't in need, and the drama of playing a roll of "volunteer" while in fact hiding the secret that by the end of the show, lives will be changed with the surprise of money.
After the show, I thought about my own life. What it could have been like had something like what happened on this show, happened to my mother when I was a child. Where would I be today, had someone extended a hand to my family? To this, no answer. The only thing I do know, is that if I weren't ok with where I am today, and where my mother is in her life today, I'd most likely not be alive. I watched the show tonight, with "broken home" children, drawing what they feel, a pictorial description of their home life. Blue representing peace and joy, and red reresenting hurt, pain. I was instantley brought back to days in my childhood where, had I been asked to draw the same, I might have been put away. Somehow, I managed to survive. There are things I'd like to change, yes. A family that pretends to accept me and my sexuality, at the same time, asking that it be kept a secret from the "outside" family, church, etc...An older brother, who survived the life I lived as well, who doesn't speak to me today...But tonight, in this moment, I can't change any of that.
What I can do, is take care of myself. I can, even at 35, look for what it is that makes me truly happy. Not just happy, but to feel good. I really don't recall when I felt good. I've been moving from job to job, be it by choice, not by choice, life circumstances, or even poor decisions on my part. I can say, none of the jobs I've held in the last decade, have made me feel happy. Job's merely chosen out of the need to survive. Then same can be said for my relationships. I've had several meaningful relationships, lovers. I can say they have made me feel good, yes. But, I can't help but feel I never fully brought all of my potential to the table in these relationships. I have either been in need, taken advantage of the situations, never really contributing anything. I have hurt people. I have been a compulsive lier, though never really in my sexual relationships, but to the outside, the community, so called friends.
Im here tonight, a Sunday, in an apartment that is so incredibly quiet, the only sounds are the fan in the room and the sound of my and the 2 kitties breathing, and I am ready to change. I am ready for change. I do know, however, the pendulum in my life will not move, unless there is some outside force.
I watched a show tonight called "Secret Millionaire". I watched the show, as I do with most tv today, with no expectation, other than a diversion to reality in my life. Little did I realize how beautiful the show would be. In a nut-shell, a show about people in need having an effect on people who aren't in need, and the drama of playing a roll of "volunteer" while in fact hiding the secret that by the end of the show, lives will be changed with the surprise of money.
After the show, I thought about my own life. What it could have been like had something like what happened on this show, happened to my mother when I was a child. Where would I be today, had someone extended a hand to my family? To this, no answer. The only thing I do know, is that if I weren't ok with where I am today, and where my mother is in her life today, I'd most likely not be alive. I watched the show tonight, with "broken home" children, drawing what they feel, a pictorial description of their home life. Blue representing peace and joy, and red reresenting hurt, pain. I was instantley brought back to days in my childhood where, had I been asked to draw the same, I might have been put away. Somehow, I managed to survive. There are things I'd like to change, yes. A family that pretends to accept me and my sexuality, at the same time, asking that it be kept a secret from the "outside" family, church, etc...An older brother, who survived the life I lived as well, who doesn't speak to me today...But tonight, in this moment, I can't change any of that.
What I can do, is take care of myself. I can, even at 35, look for what it is that makes me truly happy. Not just happy, but to feel good. I really don't recall when I felt good. I've been moving from job to job, be it by choice, not by choice, life circumstances, or even poor decisions on my part. I can say, none of the jobs I've held in the last decade, have made me feel happy. Job's merely chosen out of the need to survive. Then same can be said for my relationships. I've had several meaningful relationships, lovers. I can say they have made me feel good, yes. But, I can't help but feel I never fully brought all of my potential to the table in these relationships. I have either been in need, taken advantage of the situations, never really contributing anything. I have hurt people. I have been a compulsive lier, though never really in my sexual relationships, but to the outside, the community, so called friends.
Im here tonight, a Sunday, in an apartment that is so incredibly quiet, the only sounds are the fan in the room and the sound of my and the 2 kitties breathing, and I am ready to change. I am ready for change. I do know, however, the pendulum in my life will not move, unless there is some outside force.
Welcome
I'd like to welcome you to my SushiHutch. This will be for me , a space where I keep all of my stories, thought's, and little jewels, similar to a sushi hutch full of color. Today is a new day for me. I have emotionally and physically accepted what is imminent in my life. I am moving forward out of a 3yr relationship, a little scraped up but energized. This will be a place, for me, where I can go to unload, search for advise, and share my own little tid-bits of nothingness. Come along, participate, and share.
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